Malpractice woes in the land of evil twins

Outlandish soap plots are the norm but would
a dose of reality help anyone?

By Toss Taylor

"It seems as if Troy not only likes to prance around half-naked but he seems to work at the hospital 24/7. Does he ever just go home to sleep? Most doctors have a specialty, but Troy seems to be a Jack-of-all trades when it comes to medicine." � Sheila, One Life to Live fan

Suspension of disbelief comes with the territory when you're a soap opera fan, but sometimes the medical inconsistencies in the plots can leave even the most die-hard among us scratching our heads. The thought of watching daytime serials to glean medical advice is, of course, horrifying. But would it be too much to ask that defibrillators not be employed every time someone loses consciousness, that hysterical loved ones be prevented from barging willy-nilly (unmasked!) into the OR, or that broom closets be locked against the randier residents?

The answer, apparently, is yes. For one reason or another, hospitals have always been an attractive setting for US soaps (Canada's dismal soap output � anyone remember Riverdale? � simply doesn't bear mentioning.) Nubile nurses and rakish docs have been wreaking havoc in daytime's corridors for well nigh 50 years now. But between hostile takeovers in the boardroom and the bedroom, it's little wonder that when they do get a chance to practise medicine their minds may not always be 100% on the job. Still, even if their attention's compromised, it's clear that the soaps do need at least a small phalanx of doctors on hand to deal with the pitiful health of their characters. Intermittent paralysis, chronic amnesia, spontaneous plastic surgery (aka actor replacement therapy) and accelerated childhood aging are all common soapland afflictions.

Doctors in love
General Hospital (GH) is top banana when it comes to hospital soap action and boasts several medical dynasties, namely the Hardy, Webber, and Quartermaine clans. The Webbers have been all but killed off, the Hardys' eminence has waned, but the Quartermaines still wield medical power in Port Charles.

The local captain of industry was dismayed when his son Alan rebelled and chose med school over high rolling. Alan Quartermaine trained to be a surgeon, but a tragic hand injury relegated him to general practice. He and his wife, cardiologist Monica, have always struggled to shoehorn medicine into their fraught lives. Between finding time to plot revenge for each other's adultery, facing down sexual harassment charges, and battling prescription drug and booze addictions, these two have little time for the day to day aches and sprains that make up their bread and butter. Luckily, Papa Quartermaine's very rich indeed.

In a recent GH storyline, during the aftermath of a catastrophic hotel fire, the ER duty doctors would tell anyone who asked, the state of the wounded, dead or arson suspects (half the town). Old Quartermaine, who was miraculously saved, suffered two heart attacks in the space of one episode, but business triumphed and they barely interrupted his meetings with lawyers, vulturous family members, belligerent cops, and the occasional doctor. One doc readily signed off, certifying the old man incompetent (perhaps he thought they said "incontinent"?), at the behest of an avaricious daughter. After commercial breaks, keen-eyed viewers try not to notice the number of times his pulse monitor and bandages have switched from right to left and back again.

Hell hath no fury
Meanwhile over in Days of Our Lives' Salem, psychiatrist Dr Marlena 'Doc' Evans has been put through the ringer about a million and one times this season alone. Repeated kidnappings, battling the evil Kiriakis clan, demonic possession, and trying to figure out which Roman Brady was her real husband. None of these have stopped her from doling out hackneyed 'psychiatric' advice ("listen to your heart" is a favourite) to all. Most recently, Marlena's turned to serial killing as a way of dealing with stress and enemies. She's now behind bars, but the local College seems reluctant to revoke her medical licence.

But, believe it or not, soap medicine isn't all bad � even if the acting generally is. A recent plot on the British soap Coronation Street; in which a long-running character died from undetected cervical cancer, had the positive effect of sending British women scurrying off to their doctors for their dreaded smears.